What Are You Going to Tell Your Child(ren)?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Talking with your child(ren) about divorce/separation will be difficult, at best. You know they’ll be devastated, and your words can either help them heal or deepen their pain and trauma. It’s a hard spot to be in for both you and your child so you need to get it right.

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In most cases, your chid(ren) will have lots of questions.  Those questions may be asked several times and in different forms.  Two important things to remember is that the conversation with your child(ren) will likely not be a one-time event and that the questions being asked may not be the actual questions your child(ren) has in their mind.  

 

Your child(ren) will process your answers and then, in all likelihood, ask the same questions in different words or ask follow-up questions at a later time. You should answer their questions in the most straightforward, yet compassionate tone and manner you can.  There is no need to share the unpleasant details as to why you and/or your spouse has decided to change your family dynamic.  Most children are quite perceptive and, to a greater or lesser degree, are aware when their parents are not happy.  Ideally, both parents can make sure they do not, either in an intentional or unintentional manner, portray their spouse in a negative light to the children in order to gain some sort of perceived advantage. Nor should the parents allow anyone else to speak in a disparaging manner about the other spouse in front of the child(ren). It is not unusual for extended family members or family friends to choose sides during a divorce and make off-hand negative comments in front of the child(ren).

 

Although each family is different and each child is different, there are some common patterns as to the questions that a parent will be asked about divorce/separation.  Hopefully, the following list of common questions and suggested answers will help parents navigate this emotional minefield with their child(ren).

 

Finally, expect and be prepared for emotional outbursts by your children and for yourself to experience emotional triggers.  These emotional reactions can cause your child(ren) to place blame on you, your spouse or themselves. And, if you are emotionally triggered, you will find it near impossible to deal with the realities of divorce/separation/co-parenting with logic in a family-friendly and child-centered manner.

 

 

Common Questions Asked By Children About Divorce/Separation

 

 

“Why?”

Simply question but a difficult answer—there is usually no easy answer.  In fact, you may not have totally worked through that question and answer yourself.  Many people will say that it was decades after their divorce that they were able to honestly answer that question.  However, as a parent, you cannot wait that long to answer a child’s question. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that a symptom (an affair, money, abuse, etc.) of a troubled relationship is the same as the cause of the trouble.  In all honesty, regardless of whatever words you use to answer the “why” question, it will likely not satisfy your child(ren).  

 

Be honest, yet gentle—“Your father/mother and I believe that we can be better parents and better people if we live apart. There is nothing you have done to cause this.  We both hoped that we could work out our problems but we have not been able to to that, so…”

 

Validate your child(ren)’s emotions and do it multiple times.  

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“Your Mom/Dad and I love you.”—Both you and your spouse need to say it often.

 

Keep assuring them that they are not loosing you or your spouse as a parent.  Admit that there will be some changes in your life and theirs but that they will always have two parents in their lives. And, above all, reassure them that you both love them and always will.

 

 

“Don’t I get a say in this?  It affects my life too.”

The simple and honest answer to that question is, “No.”  After all, this is a divorce and all of the decisions that must be made as that process plays out are adult decisions.  However, older minor children may be asked by a domestic mediator and/or the judge for their preferences as far as living arrangements.  But, the final decisions are made by the adults.

 

But, the fact that divorce has a dramatic impact on the child(ren) cannot be denied.  However, you as a parent can have significant control over how severe and long lasting that impact will be if you do not let your anger, hurt, guilt, embarrassment or desire for revenge to affect how you act around or towards your child(ren) or your spouse when the child(ren) are present.   

 

Depending on the age of the child(ren), you should validate their feelings by naming those feeling and discussing how life is going to change as well as how some things or most things are not going to change.  Keep in mind that different children at different ages place value on different things. 

 

 A younger child may need to know that they will be able to keep their favorite toys even if they and the custodial parent no longer live in the house where the young child has spend his or her entire life.  To a child who is older, being able to stay in the same school with teachers and friends may be the biggest concern.  A teenager will be concerned about the social aspect of the changes brought about by divorce.

 

Regardless of the exact concerns or how insignificant they may seem to you, the adult, dealing all the facets that must be considered as you navigate through the divorce process and re-start your life in a different direction, take the time to sit with your chid(ren) and discuss their concerns.  Reassure them as much as possible that they along with you and your spouse will always be a family even though you will be living in separate homes.

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Is Dad/Mom moving out because he/she doesn’t love me any more?

“Absolutely not,” should be the answer to that question.  Again, you and your spouse have an obligation to address the emotional needs as well as the financial and physical needs of your children.  With that said, it cannot be overstated just how important it is for both parents to say and to show their child(ren) that they love them on a consistent basis.

 

However, don’t make the tragic mistake of thinking that buying your chid(ren) things is the same as showing them you love them through your daily words and actions. And, remember to say, “I love you.” often.

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You still love Dad/Mom, right?

The way you answer this question will depend of the age of your child(ren).  For younger children, keep it simple.  Say something like, “Yes, I will always love your Dad/Mom. Without him/her I wouldn’t have you.”

 

Older children have the capacity to understand that you can love someone but still not care for the things they do or say that make you unhappy.  You may want to consider a response like, “I will aways care for your Dad/Mom and even though we won’t all be living together, we will always be a family—just in a different way.”

 

Who will I live with?  Can I choose?

Unless you and your spouse have already agreed on child custody and a parenting plan you need to avoid firm commitments.  Maybe answer the question with a question such as, “We are still discussing that.  Who do you think you might want to live with.”  However, keep emphasizing that where the child(ren) live will be an adult decision.  Don’t put your younger child(ren) in the position of having to choose between two parent whom they love.  That can result in all sorts of emotional trauma.  Keep emphasizing that regardless of who is the custodial parent, the chid(ren) will have two parents in their life and they will spend lots of time with both of them.

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Who is going to take me to school or pick me up?  Who is going to take me to soccer practice, music lessons, gymnastics,

4-H Meetings, etc?

Here, again, unless you and your spouse have agreed on a parenting plan, you need to avoid firm commitments.  Explain that your spouse and you are still working out the details but both of you will be providing taxi service for the extra-curricular activities and school.  

 

Of course, if the non-custodial parent is going to live quite a distance away then sharing the transportation responsibilities will not be a practical reality.  So, be honest with your child(ren) and let them know that the custodial parent will be the primary “taxi driver.”

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I don’t want to have two homes.  Why can’t I just live at the one I choose?

Beyond feeling upset about your restructure, your kids may balk at the idea ofhaving two homes for all kinds of reasons such as:

 

• It may not feel “normal,” especially if they don’t have friends in a similar situation

 

• They might feel awkward about suddenly spending more one-on-one time with one of you.

 

• The transition between their two homes may feel uncomfortable or chaotic.

 

• They miss being near their friends.

 

In this case, it’s helpful to ask a follow-up question like: “I know this is a big change. What problems do you think might come up having two homes?” 

 

Then you can tailor your response to their specific concern. “It sounds like you feel rushed when it’s time to go spend time with your dad/mom for the weekend. Let’s talk about how to make that transition easier for you.”

 

If their concern is more general, try this: “I know having two homes is a big change for you, and it’s okay to feel frustrated. Mom and Dad both want to spend time with you, and you’ll have a comfortable home with each of us.”

 

What about all my stuff?  If there are two homes, where will my stuff be?

Once again, the answer is going to depend on the age of the child.  Also, keep in mind that if the chid(ren) are going to do more that just be at one parent’s home for a few hours (no overnights or extended stays during the summer or school breaks) then many duplicate items will need to be provided.  Items such as beds, linens, clothing, toys, books, internet access are considered necessities.  Some items such as winter coats or athletic equipment for team play can be transported back and forth between the homes.

 

A simple answer is usually the best.  Try asking the child(ren) what they think is the best way to handle this issue—“What stuff in particular are you thinking about?” or “What stuff would you want at each house?”  By asking these kinds of questions, you give your child a sense of ownership and control while, at the same time, you are able to determine what is at the root of the question.  Keep in mind that people, in general, and children, specifically, have a tendency to disguise their real question/concern with another related but not necessarily focused question.  They are asking for guidance and insights without actually knowing that is what they are asking for.