Are You Really Ready for Divorce?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The decision to end a marriage should not be made lightly or irrationally. When two people make a legal and/or an emotional commitment to one another and the union does not work out, each person can be left with feelings of failure, anger, betrayal and sadness. It’s normal to also have feelings of uncertainty when faced with the legal, financial, logistical and emotional aspects of divorce.

In Indiana there are two types of divorce—contested and uncontested.  

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In a contested divorce, the couple is not able or not willing to reach agreement on issues such as division of assets and liabilities, child custody, child support, parenting time, etc.  They are left with only one option—hire attorneys and go to battle in court.

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A uncontested divorce occurs when the couple is able to agree on the issues involved in the dissolution of a marriage and can provide a signed agreement form to the court for approval.  Successful domestic mediation will result in an uncontested divorce. 

Indiana is a “no-fault divorce” state which means that only one party is required to seek a divorce on the grounds of “unretrievable differences”  in order for it to move forward in domestic mediation and/or the courts. 

Grounds for a “fault divorce” are:

• Felony conviction of one party

• Impotence 

• Insanity

​Couples who may not be ready to end their legal marriage but who are no longer willing to live together may also want to consider legal separation or annulment.  A legal separation can allow a couple to divide assets and liabilities and create a co-parenting plan so they can live separately.

 

In Washington County Indiana, a Petition for Dissolution of Marriage is filed at the Court Clerk’s Office in the Justice Center, 801 Jackson Street, Salem, Indiana (Open M-F, 8AM-4PM). It may be filed in either Superior or Circuit Court. There is a filing fee, which may be waived by the Judge if indigence is proven. The person filing for the divorce is called the Petitioner and the other party is called the Respondent. Service of all documents must be made upon the Respondent, either in person at the clerk’s office, by certified mail, or by the Sheriff.

The Petitioner or the Respondent do not have to be represented by attorneys. If you file for divorce without an attorney, you may download divorce forms from the Indiana Government Website.  GSW Mediation can provide a link to download the proper forms for those individuals who choose not to litigate their dissolution of marriage.

A hearing may be required for the completion of a divorce, depending upon whether or not the parties agree upon distribution of property and debts, custody and child support. By Indiana statute, it will take at least sixty (60) days from the filing date before a divorce can be granted. If both parties agree on all issues, they may both file their written agreement and a waiver of final hearing with the Court, and a decree of dissolution can be entered without a hearing, otherwise the Court will conduct a hearing upon the request of either party.  

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So the big question is, "Are you really ready for divorce?

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Eight Questions You Need to Ask

Your marriage is in question and you're facing a real dilemma. You may be the one who is deciding if you should stay or if you should go--

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"I feel like I need to get a divorce and end this so called marriage. Yet how can I be sure? Some days I feel more confident of my decision than others. A part of me still loves him/her or, at least, I care for him/her. I don't think I am in love with him/her, but what if I make a mistake? A lot of people will be affected by what I decide. Maybe I should not rush ahead with this. That's amusing since I have been thinking about it for years. This whole thing wouldn't even be an issue and I could forget about this divorce, if he/she would just change his behavior."

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Or you may be the one who has just heard that your spouse wants a divorce--

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"Divorce? Where did that come from? Two weeks ago we were talking about a vacation in the mountains. I had no idea our marriage was this awful? I am shocked and devastated. I have got to find a way to put a stop to this. Maybe this is all a dream and when I wake up things will be back to normal."

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Most books and articles on divorce are written based on the assumption that once a couple says they want a divorce that they are ready for divorce. It is our experience as therapists and divorce coaches, who have helped many people through this process that this is in fact not the case. Usually when couples begin the divorce process, either one but more often than not, both, are not really ready for the divorce.

Divorce professionals such as therapists, mediators and attorneys often believe that statements such as, "I've had it with him." or "My feelings have died for her," are indicators that the marriage is over. Attorneys often equate being hired for their services as an indicator that the couple is ready to divorce. This is not so!

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Most couples who begin a divorce are unprepared and are often not even on the same page when they begin. It is this lack of preparedness and readiness for a divorce that either causes separations and divorces to deteriorate into competitive contests. The decision to obtain a divorce is one of the most crucial decisions a person can make with consequences that last for a lifetime. A decision this important requires much greater attention than it is usually given by both couples and professionals. It is a process in and of itself. Once a couple is prepared and ready, they will sooner be able to begin their divorce with both of them being on the same page and this will eliminate most of the emotional and financial struggles that cause divorces to become adversarial and ruthless.

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The reason many people do not even think about getting ready for a divorce is because they operate under the assumption that the sooner you can get out of a stressful situation the better. So there is a natural tendency for people who are in difficult marriages to want to get the divorce over with as quickly as possible in order to move on with their lives. Family and friends often encourage this as well. They hurt for the family and so also prescribe to the myth that the quicker the divorce is over, the sooner everything will return to normal. But unfortunately in most cases just the opposite happens. Couples who make rushed decisions to leave the marriage have had no time to evaluate their feelings, thoughts or options. As a result they are unprepared for the roller coaster of emotions, the complicated legal system and the many life changing decisions that they need to make. Quite often they make agreements which they cannot sustain, and instead of the situation getting better, they often find that they have just traded one set of problems for another. So it is no wonder that they often get tangled up in lengthy court cases and the very thing they hoped for, a quick divorce, often takes several months or longer.

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This article outlines what couples need to do in order to face the numerous dilemmas that are inherent in divorce. A dilemma implies that you are torn between two choices, each of which have undesirable fearful elements. If people have not resolved their dilemmas before the divorce, they go through the process trying to manage their fear in different ways by hiding their doubt, responsibility; vulnerability, or dependency.

Whether a couple is starting the divorce process or even just contemplating a divorce, they need to first identify with the following divorce dilemmas.

The Three Divorce Dilemmas

Couples who are facing the possibility of a divorce face one of three dilemmas:

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“I want the divorce, but I am not sure if it is the right decision.”

Since going through a divorce impacts the lives of your children, as well as your lifestyle, economics, and marital investment, the pressure to make the "perfectly correct" decision is enormous. Unfortunately, there are no guarantees. The best case scenario is to make a decision that is not emotionally based, nor driven by your ego.

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“I do not want the divorce, my spouse does.”

Being in this reactive place will leave you feeling out of control and a helpless victim. You will experience intense emotional devastation, as your life will be changing before your eyes without you having any say in the outcome. In addressing this dilemma you need to ask yourself if you are clinging to staying on familiar, safe ground and to a marriage based on illusions. It is not easy to acknowledge and confront the problems in a marriage, when you are feeling so hurt by your partner.

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“I only want this divorce because my marriage is not working.”

If this is your dilemma, then you will want to avoid responsibility at all costs by seeing your partner to blame for the demise of the marriage. There will be tremendous preoccupation and anger about how your partner caused you to make this decision. The amount of noise generated from this blaming will be in direct proportion to your unwillingness to risk expressing any of your own fears and sadness. If this doesn't occur, the divorce proceedings to follow will be riddled with tension and conflict, and a continuation of the blaming.

The common element in all three dilemmas is fear. In the first group there is a fear of making a mistake and being incorrect, the second will hide from it by denying that there are any problems or admitting their attachment to the familiar and the third group will fear any accountability and softness. The result in all three circumstances will be dragging, combative, and back and forth divorces.

For divorce to be a collaborative and respectful process, the couple must be prepared and ready to separate their lives on all levels; legally, practically and emotionally. To do this each person must face their divorce dilemma by answering the following 8 questions.

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The 8 Questions

1. Do you still have feelings for your partner?

Many people who say they want a divorce still have strong feelings for their partner, but due to an ongoing power struggle in the relationship there is a lack of intimacy and closeness. If this is you, it is best that you work on your relationship prior to deciding to divorce otherwise your feelings of loss will overwhelm you and you may find yourself worse off after the divorce than you are now.

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2. Were you ever really married?

To be really married a couple must have created a relationship that included an "us" or a "we." Many people who are considering a divorce have never had a marriage that was anything more than two individuals meeting their own needs. They may have raised children and shared a home but they participated in those activities from a competitive rather than unified position. They would ask -- "Do I want to do this or that", rather than ask "Is this good for us?" If you have not developed a genuine "we" in your relationship this would be the time to either commit to learning how to do that or to admit that you have never really had a marriage.

 

3. Are you truly ready for divorce or are you just threatening?

Divorce is often threatened, especially in heated marital arguments for the following reasons;

• Out of anger and frustration.

• To gain power and control over the other person, to get them to see things your way.

• To finally be taken seriously that you want real change.

• As a wake up call that the marriage is faltering.​

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People who consistently threaten divorce lose credibility with themselves and their partner. If the person is not merely threatening, but is genuinely ready for a divorce, they can sustain the following thought in their own mind, "That I wish to close a chapter of my life, because I am at peace with the fact that there is no more that I can do or give to this relationship." They will discuss this appropriately with their spouse without any blame.

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4. Is this a sincere decision based on self awareness or is it an emotionally reactive decision?

To be ready to divorce your partner means being able to make a clear, unemotional decision that you can support over time. Divorce means being able to let go of all strong emotional attachments to the other person, the loving ones as well as the hostile and hurtful ones. Emotionally charged decisions do not last and if acted on do not resolve the underlying problem. People who divorce out of anger stay angry even after the divorce is over.

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A statement that would indicate that you are making a sincere, rather than an emotionally reactive decision is, "I acknowledge that you are a person in your own right with your own personality, hopes and dreams, I can respect you for that, but I no longer want to be married to you."

To be ready for divorce is to have a lower emotional attachment to the person you are separating from, other wise, the divorce process itself will be a roller coaster of intense feelings, including anger, distrust and hurt.

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5. What is your intent in wanting a divorce?

Any agenda, other than ending the marriage, is an indication that you are not ready to divorce. If you are hoping that through the divorce the other person will change and start treating you better, realize how much they have lost or pay for how much they have hurt you, you are getting a divorce for the wrong reason. Divorce has no power to right wrongs nor change people's hearts and minds. Divorce can only do one thing, end a marriage, and in so doing free each person to make new attachments to new people.

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6. Have you resolved your internal conflict over the divorce?

Everyone who goes through a divorce is conflicted. People can feel guilty at the same time as they are sure that they want to end the relationship. Or they can feel betrayed and at the same time recognize that their life will be better once they are out of the relationship. Recognizing the conflict and owning that different parts of you will be struggling with the impact of divorce, at different times, is part of the process of getting ready for divorce.

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7. Can you handle the unpleasant consequences of divorce?

Divorce brings change and grief because it is the loss of the "happy family" dream. Hurts, disappointments, loneliness, failure, rejection, inadequacy can all take hold of the psyche when we are in this extremely vulnerable passage. To be ready for the ups and downs of divorce it is necessary to have a support system of family and friends who will be there to help you emotionally and practically when needed.

 

One of the hardest consequences of divorce is needing to face another person's pain, be it your children's, your family or friends because divorce affects so many people's lives. If you are the one choosing the divorce you will have to hold on to your decision and the ending of your marriage in the face of all these people and circumstances. If you are the one who does not want the divorce, but your spouse wants to proceed, you will still need to get ready to accept the following consequences of a failed marriage. To know if you are ready, ask yourself if you are prepared for the following changes;

 

• If you don't want changes to your finances, lifestyle or traditions then you are not ready for divorce;

• If you cannot accept your children's sadness and anger then you are not ready for divorce

• If you cannot acceptance times of insecurity, fear and the unknown then you are not ready for divorce

• If you are not willing to let go of your spouse mentally, emotionally and spiritually then you are not ready for divorce.

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8. Are you willing to take control of your life in a responsible and mature way?

Whether you are the one who wants the divorce or the one who is having to respond to your spouse wanting the divorce, both situations have one thing in common, the marriage is ending. How people respond to this fact determines the type of divorce and future they will have. They can come from a position of bitterness, revenge or helplessness or they can negotiate for their future from a position of strength, understanding and respect.. The attitude you choose will determine the type of divorce you have. You have a choice as to which type of divorce you will have.  There are only two options, and you must decide which way you want to approach it. Do you want to:

 

 

Protect your rights only?

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Respect your spouse's rights too?

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Do only what is good for you?

or

Do what is good for everyone?

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Give your spouse less?

or

Give your spouse what is rightfully theirs?

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Not inconvenience yourself?

or

Work well for everyone?

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Need frequent court hearings to enforce?

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Need no court hearings to enforce?

 

 

Source: By Bruce Derman & Wendy Gregson. https://www.mediate.com/articles/dermanGregson1.cfm